The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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