i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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