I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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