Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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