Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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