So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
