we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
