I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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