If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
