i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
