too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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