Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
