mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
