oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Randomize
