He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
