i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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