There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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