Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
