Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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