After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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