I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
