Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
