the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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