So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This is my gift to your gina
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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