You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
