I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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