Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
