OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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