my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
