he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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