It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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