I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
