How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
