Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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