you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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