My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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