Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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