me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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