im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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