loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
