Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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