what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
