Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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