if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
