He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
