And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
