I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
