Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
