everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
