ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
