when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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