i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
