when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
