two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
