This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
