like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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