I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
