Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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